Am I the only one thats getting super duper I cant even explain it excited about Christmas already this year?? There is like a 10% part of me thats a little overwhelmed and sad. This is the first Christmas I wont be able to spend with my parents, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, ect... The very first one! Thats a big deal to me. Also there is a LOT to do between now and Christmas.. including, ya know.. that whole giving birth thing. And Christmas is expensive.. you never really realize it until you're an adult no matter how many times your parents tell you haha.
However! I just LOVE Christmas. Always have, always will. Even though I will miss my family I am excited to start my own traditions with my family of four. FOUR! I will write later about what kind of traditions we are going to be starting and my favorite parts of Christmas but for now I just wanted to share how gosh darn excited I am!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Update on Facing Fears
I drove again yesterday. A little farther.. a little more complicated of a drive. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and cheering me on. :)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Facing Fears
Anxiety is something I've dealt with my entire life. I remember it the earliest in first grade.. I would come home from school with stress headaches. In the first grade. It's not something that's ever gone away but sometimes it will leave a certain area of my life and reappear somewhere else. Every time I would over come one thing something new would become a major source of anxiety. In March 2009 when I met James I was working a job that stressed me out so much that I lost 20 pounds, I was always sick, I was miserable.. Thank God James told me to quit and that he has enough money to support us both. I was finally free of anxiety. Until..
Late 2009 James and I were driving to my parents house for Sunday night family dinner. The same way we've been a thousand times. We pulled up to a red light and were chit chatting about something. Two boys.. about 14 or so.. rode their bikes across half the street to the median in front of us. The turning lane was stopped so it blocked their view of the cars still going straight. As 14 year old boys do.. they were impatient. The first boy spend across the road and James and I both remarked how dumb that was.. before we could even finish our thoughts our words got stuck in our mouth as we watched the second boy start.. then hesitate.. then shoot out into the road.
Right in front of a car..
A car that couldn't see him coming. A car that was going the speed limit. A car that was probably just on his way home.. or to pick up the groceries. They boy flew up atleast 6 feet and then crashed onto the mans windshield and rolled of the car onto the concrete.. He was face down on the road knocked unconscious. Many people got out of their cars to help him and we waited to make sure someone called 911 but we couldn't stay parked where we were because we were blocking traffic. The boy moved a few times before we left but I still don't know if he lived or died.
After I saw that something snapped in me. Something that James and I later decided was some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. I stopped being able to drive. I tried a few times after that but I would shake so bad I could barely put my foot on the brake.. I would get ill.. I would have intense panic attacks. I think it was from knowing that the man that hit that boy wasn't doing anything wrong. It could have easily been me driving that car..
So two years have gone by and I think I've only driven 2 or 3 times.. only once since I moved to Hawaii in April 2010 and it was just for a few blocks..
Until today. :)
I drove to Josie's dr appointment today. It was a small drive but a big step. I realize now that I have been so overwhelmed trying to keep everyone safe and out of harms way to such an extreme that I have stopped living. What is it teaching my daughter if I have to tell her "oh mommy doesnt drive because she's too scared". It tells her that I don't have faith in God to work all things out for the best and that it's ok to let your fears control you. I don't want her to learn that.. I want her to be brave and have faith in God in all things. So today I faced my fear.. and tomorrow I will too.. and I will keep doing it until it goes away. One step at a time.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
Late 2009 James and I were driving to my parents house for Sunday night family dinner. The same way we've been a thousand times. We pulled up to a red light and were chit chatting about something. Two boys.. about 14 or so.. rode their bikes across half the street to the median in front of us. The turning lane was stopped so it blocked their view of the cars still going straight. As 14 year old boys do.. they were impatient. The first boy spend across the road and James and I both remarked how dumb that was.. before we could even finish our thoughts our words got stuck in our mouth as we watched the second boy start.. then hesitate.. then shoot out into the road.
Right in front of a car..
A car that couldn't see him coming. A car that was going the speed limit. A car that was probably just on his way home.. or to pick up the groceries. They boy flew up atleast 6 feet and then crashed onto the mans windshield and rolled of the car onto the concrete.. He was face down on the road knocked unconscious. Many people got out of their cars to help him and we waited to make sure someone called 911 but we couldn't stay parked where we were because we were blocking traffic. The boy moved a few times before we left but I still don't know if he lived or died.
After I saw that something snapped in me. Something that James and I later decided was some sort of post traumatic stress disorder. I stopped being able to drive. I tried a few times after that but I would shake so bad I could barely put my foot on the brake.. I would get ill.. I would have intense panic attacks. I think it was from knowing that the man that hit that boy wasn't doing anything wrong. It could have easily been me driving that car..
So two years have gone by and I think I've only driven 2 or 3 times.. only once since I moved to Hawaii in April 2010 and it was just for a few blocks..
Until today. :)
I drove to Josie's dr appointment today. It was a small drive but a big step. I realize now that I have been so overwhelmed trying to keep everyone safe and out of harms way to such an extreme that I have stopped living. What is it teaching my daughter if I have to tell her "oh mommy doesnt drive because she's too scared". It tells her that I don't have faith in God to work all things out for the best and that it's ok to let your fears control you. I don't want her to learn that.. I want her to be brave and have faith in God in all things. So today I faced my fear.. and tomorrow I will too.. and I will keep doing it until it goes away. One step at a time.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
Choosing Joy
After staying up until after midnight last night finishing my blog design and writing my first blog.. today I got a glimpse at what choosing joy is all about.. at five am. Thanks to my teething baby who decided she would wake up two and a half hours earlier than she usually does and refuse to go back to sleep.
So I am choosing joy even though I'm tired.. snuggling my baby and checking my facebook and writing this blog while she watches Yo Gabba Gabba.
And being 100% honest I can tell you that I'm quite happy this morning. Tired.. but happy.
Psalm 118:24 This is a day that the Lord has made; let us rejoyce and be glad in it.
Wanting Something More
Hello new blog :) Who doesn't love a fresh start? Sometimes its easy, sometimes not so much. Everyone needs one every now and then..
So why do I need a fresh start right now? I have gotten stuck in a rut. The kind of rut where you stop enjoying your life and are always waiting for something.. waiting for James to get home from work, waiting for Josie's teeth to come in, waiting for this vacation or that vacation, waiting for our next duty station, ect, ect, you know how it goes..
For some reason I have turned my beautiful home into a prison. I started to dread every minute I *had* to spend at home. I've come to realize how dangerous your thoughts can be.. you say something to yourself once or twice, "I'm stuck in this house all day..", "Oh, great. Another day at home.." and soon that's all you think about. I realized this the other day and thought "why do I feel this way?" and to be honest.. I have NO idea. I love my home. I have always been a homebody. When James asks me where I want to go rarely do I even have an answer.
Why is it I always want something more?
So I started examining my life.. what is it that once made me feel so fulfilled? When did I have the most joy? I love my husband and I love my daughter and I love my home and I love living in Hawaii.. what is missing??
So why do I need a fresh start right now? I have gotten stuck in a rut. The kind of rut where you stop enjoying your life and are always waiting for something.. waiting for James to get home from work, waiting for Josie's teeth to come in, waiting for this vacation or that vacation, waiting for our next duty station, ect, ect, you know how it goes..
For some reason I have turned my beautiful home into a prison. I started to dread every minute I *had* to spend at home. I've come to realize how dangerous your thoughts can be.. you say something to yourself once or twice, "I'm stuck in this house all day..", "Oh, great. Another day at home.." and soon that's all you think about. I realized this the other day and thought "why do I feel this way?" and to be honest.. I have NO idea. I love my home. I have always been a homebody. When James asks me where I want to go rarely do I even have an answer.
Why is it I always want something more?
So I started examining my life.. what is it that once made me feel so fulfilled? When did I have the most joy? I love my husband and I love my daughter and I love my home and I love living in Hawaii.. what is missing??
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you
trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of
the Holy Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control...
trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of
the Holy Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control...
So first of all I'm recognizing that Joy comes from the Lord. Someone who I regret to admit hasn't played a very large roll in my life the past few years. Its hard when you are taken away from your spiritual foundation.. my church, my parents, the christian friends I grew up with.. I still believe all the things I grew up believing but without that foundation I'm so accustomed to I have found it very hard to press onward. Not anymore.. I am choosing to be my own rock.. my families rock.. a rock to those around me. With God's help of course.. I'm pressing forward. I will spend more time in prayer and a lot more time studying the bible and through that I do believe that I will find the joy God has for me.
Secondly, I am recognizing joy is a choice. I could cite many many bible verses that urge us to choose to be joyful in all things even when being persecuted. I am certainly not being persecuted in my own home so rejoicing should come easily. I will chose joy.
So that is why I need a fresh start today. I hope this doesnt come across as preachy.. its not my intent. Its just what's going on in my life today.
What about you.. what area's in your life could use a fresh start?
Secondly, I am recognizing joy is a choice. I could cite many many bible verses that urge us to choose to be joyful in all things even when being persecuted. I am certainly not being persecuted in my own home so rejoicing should come easily. I will chose joy.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
So that is why I need a fresh start today. I hope this doesnt come across as preachy.. its not my intent. Its just what's going on in my life today.
What about you.. what area's in your life could use a fresh start?
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